


Holy matrimony!

by Mosey



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Pesterlog, and marriage, dirk and jake discuss the future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-07
Updated: 2013-05-07
Packaged: 2017-12-10 17:38:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mosey/pseuds/Mosey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p class="pesterlog">
  <span class="jake">GT: Youre a pretty dashing guy truth be told and can no doubt woo many a dame worth her salt.</span><br/><span class="jake">GT: Hell if you were a lady id be all over you i bet!</span><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jake: Confabulate.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 7:36  
  
GT: Hey bro are you available for a little man to man confabulation?  
TT: Sure.  
TT: But only if you care to re-word it even more suggestively.  
GT: Oh knock it off i will have none of your cheek today strider.  
GT: I actually have something of consequence to discuss for change and i would really friggin appreciate it if my best bud would live up to that title and hear me out this once. :(  
GT: See i have been doing a bit of thinking lately and...  
TT: Oh Lord.  
GT: Look fella if you could perhaps extricate yourself from the abyss of your lower alimentary canal for quick minute why thatd be just peaches and cream.  
TT: Okay, okay, chill. What’s up?  
GT: Well my 13th birthday is nigh and so i realized that soon ill be taking my first steps into the whimsical world of adulthood.  
GT: Gosh i cant believe im this old already. Soon ill be a grandpa!  
GT: And so ive been thinking about the future a bit and its kind of bugging me out of brains to even excogitate.  
GT: Do you ever think about the future dirk?  
TT: Sure do.  
TT: Like, constantly. All the time.  
TT: But before you get too carried away let me warn you that it’s not a whole lot fun to think about, dude.  
GT: Yeah at first i thought of my choicest cinema got really excited.  
GT: Like if i would even become a grandpa because maybe future shenanigans will make me immortal?  
GT: And in the future perhaps there will be robots with souls like in that one spielburg flick?  
GT: Or perchance fully immersive video games or some other things as equally preposterous???  
TT: Yeah, that’s all pretty ridiculous.  
GT: I know right! Potentially even more ludicrous was the thought that maybe i could wed some blue space vixen heh.  
TT: Same-sex humans aren’t even allowed to marry in most parts of the pre-modern world for some reason so good luck on that.  
GT: And besides i would fancy one or two little tykes at some point and that might not be possible with a space lady?  
TT: What if it were possible with a space gentleman?  
GT: Hey no that is not the point!  
GT: The point is dirk that time itself is really fudgin scary. It is scarier than any beast ive ever encountered thus far during the course of my already lengthy lifespan.  
GT: How can you plan for anything when then future is convoluted as frick???  
TT: It’s difficult to plan for the unknown.  
TT: But so long as you’re not a jackass and don’t just go jumpin’ into shit without looking first it’s not impossible.  
GT: Oh thank heavens im not a jackass.  
TT: Ahahahahahaha.  
TT: Dude you are priceless.  
GT: Alright fine then! What the crap do you have planned for the future mister chessmaster?  
TT: I don’t know.  
GT: But you just said that you think about it all the time!  
GT: You must have *some* idea at least of things youd like to do?  
GT: You know dreams and whatnot.  
TT: What’s the point? If it’s a dream then it ain’t ever gonna happen.  
TT: So, no, I don’t really have what you would call “dreams”.  
GT: Are you serious man? None AT ALL???  
GT: I was under the impression that aside from utter bullcrud you are also packed to the brim with ambition!  
TT: Remember now, we’re here to talk about you and your shit, not me and mine.  
GT: Oh come on now strider. Its just some utterly harmless speculation is all.  
GT: I mean wiith your bro in the movie business im sure you have some pretty nifty connections no?  
TT: Not really.  
GT: Then how about those adorable little muppety plush thingies of yours? You know the kinda impudent bulbous behinded ones hehe.  
GT: Why the craftsmanship is impeccable sir! You could really make a killing offa those.  
TT: Hmm.  
GT: Not to mention your knack and knowhow for the mechanical is unmatched. I must confess i am frightfully envious of you.  
TT: Hey could you lay off the goddamn compliments already?  
TT: Or at least make it clear that your evaluations are strictly coming from a place of irony.  
GT: Okay geez source of livelihood aside what about familial relations?  
GT: Ive entertained the notion quite a bit myself.  
GT: So buddy do you ever wanna get married? Maybe have some little ones someday??  
TT: I would entertain the possibility if it had any hope of happening.  
GT: Oh see this is exactly the malodorous shit you are full up on dirk. No more of this self-deprecating noise!  
GT: Youre a pretty dashing guy truth be told and can no doubt woo many a dame worth her salt.  
GT: Hell if you were a lady id be all over you i bet!  
  
---  
> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/788354/chapters/1487887#skip1)  
---


	2. ==>

TT: Wait.  
TT: So what you're saying is,  
TT: You’d marry me?  
GT: Uh well strictly hypothetically speaking sure why not. I mean your lack of womanhood aside we really are quite a good match arent we?  
TT: In a “two human beings” kind of way, yeah, I would say so.  
GT: Haha oh christ dirk could you *imagine*???  
TT: Us two settling down on your island and being comedically domestic.  
TT: We’d get an 80s’ sitcom and everything.  
GT: To be honest ive always imagined my wife would end up being my best pal...  
GT: So youd make a fine wife i dare say hehe.  
TT: Hell yeah.  
TT: I would be the raddest goddamn wife, yo.  
TT: Before you leave in the morning to go be a multi-billion dollar explorer extraordinaire or whatever the fuck you end up doing, I wouldn’t just give you a goodbye smooch. Nope.  
TT: We’d have a good ol’ strife.  
GT: Awwww dirk thats so sweet you know how much i love scrums.  
GT: Good wife best bro.  
TT: Yeah.  
TT: I’d run my own business or two from home.  
TT: And when you’d get back from exploring the shit out of things, we’d make dinner out of whatever random monster carcass you dragged back.  
TT: And then we’d make out. Or maybe some more scrums.  
TT: Or both.  
TT: I don’t know, there’d just be some kind of bro-on-bro action happening before bed, is all I’m sayin’.  
TT: ...  
TT: English, you there?  
GT: Oh yes apologies i just went to retrieve a towel for no particular reason whatsoever.  
TT: Ok.  
GT: Umm dirk i have a question. Regarding the nature of our suppositious romantic entanglement.  
TT: Shoot.  
GT: *Cocks pistols.*  
GT: Would we by any chance... propagate offspring?  
TT: Are you asking me to provide an elaborate speculative account on what the consequences would be if our genetics ever crossed paths?  
GT: Err yes? I guess so?  
TT: Alright, I’m picturing them now. A boy and a girl.  
TT: Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.  
GT: HEY!!! I would be such a great and protective dad okay.  
TT: Jake, you would give our babies guns.  
TT: There is a googolplex percent chance you’d give our babies guns.  
GT: Pffffffft says the man who thinks the best way to teach a baby chick to fly is to toss it off a cliff HARDY HAR HAR.  
TT: You would come home from work one day and get shot upon entering. And then I’d be left alone to raise our children, heartbroken and single.  
TT: The babies are getting swords.  
GT: Whoa hold on now dont be a tool thats not why i married you.  
TT: Hey guess what.  
TT: Swords are cooler than guns.  
GT: Oh no you did NOT just go there.  
TT: Uh yeah, I think I did actually.  
GT: Dude in a fight between tom cruise from mission impossible and tom cruise from the last samurai (when hes a samurai and not a civil war soldier obviously) the first tom cruise would win so hard.  
TT: No, they would both lose because they’re both Tom Cruise.  
GT: Yeah whatever OUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO WEILD GUNS IN AN OUTRAGEOUSLY COOL FASHION AND HAVE THEM ON THEIR PERSON AT ALL TIMES.  
TT: How about the boy gets guns and the girl gets swords?  
GT: Guns or bust baby!!!  
TT: Jake, I wear the pants in this family and I say we split it 50/50.  
GT: Oh yeah?? Then what do i wear wise guy?!  
TT: The short shorts.  
GT: *BA-DUM TSHHH.*  
TT: (Thank you for bulldozing right into that one.)  
GT: (Hehehe anytime buddy!)  
  
---  
> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/788354/chapters/1487889#skip2)  
---


	3. ==>

TT: So, our first argument as a happily married couple: swords or guns.  
TT: As expected.  
GT: Wait so you *have* given this some thought before?  
TT: Yes, Jake.  
TT: My typical day involves makin’ a robot, breakin’ that robot, abluting myself dry, drinking my weight in orange soda, dropping some sick beats, and staying up into the wee hours of the morning, fantasizing about our perfectly dumb life together.  
GT: Hahaha oh strider what a riot.  
TT: Yes that is exactly the thing that I am.  
GT: Heh so... um tell me more about the little ones.  
TT: Like what?  
GT: Oh i dont know... their dispositions and interests?  
GT: What they look like?  
TT: Leaving all the speculative work to Mama Dirk are you. Fine.  
TT: Sit back and watch me birth these fuckers with my words.  
TT: The boy has your unruly mop of hair and a pair of sweet shades. As a toddler, he stole your glasses one day and black sharpie’d the fuck out of the lenses.  
GT: What a cutiepatootie!  
TT: Yeah totally.  
TT: The shittiness was just so awe-inspiring. I gave into some serious emotions that day.  
GT: So i take it he has the same piss poor eyesight as me too? If hes utilizing the same spectacles?  
TT: Yes, it was very convenient.  
TT: Unfortunately, the bad sharpie job messes with his vision but he’s too stubborn to take them off.  
GT: But isn’t he the one wielding firearms?!  
TT: There were some close calls.  
TT: He mostly just walks into things and trips a lot.  
GT: Oh thats a relief.  
TT: By the way, he shares your taste in movies.  
GT: Golly!  
TT: Actually, no, it’s worse than that. He only likes the most vile of them.  
TT: He enjoys them for their “ironic” value.  
GT: So does he aspire to be like your superstar bro then?  
TT: No, he wants to be better than my bro.  
GT: Oh.  
TT: His dream is to direct a feature-length film where every role is played by Nic Cage.  
GT: Christ i would watch the jimmies outta that.  
TT: I know.  
GT: So what about the lass?  
TT: The lass has rad hair styled to be even more unruly than the boy.  
TT: I do her hair every morning before school. Be mother of the year right here.  
TT: She usually plays hooky though, to tag along with you and your adventures.  
GT: Dawwwww thats so friggin cute im gonna keel over any minute now.  
TT: Precocious babby.  
GT: So theres a school on my island in this scenario?  
TT: Let’s just pretend that there’s an alternate universe with a future on earth and someday your island is somewhat populated.  
GT: Huh?  
TT: Anyway, she really wants to find all of the monsters you told her about in bedtime stories.  
GT: NO that is such a bad idea! DIRK WHAT WAS I FICTIONALLY FUTURE THINKING?!  
TT: I dunno man. Who the fuck tells a little kid about monsters before they go to sleep anyway?   
TT: Maybe you were just trying to warn her?  
GT: Oh thats it i was probably just trying to warn her about all of the dangerous critters out there and how she should just blast them the second she catches wind of them.  
TT: Yeah. She just wants to find all of the monsters you told her about.  
TT: And protect them from _you._  
GT: Oh *please* dirk. I am only concerned for the wellbeing of my beautiful wife and children.  
TT: Flattery will get you nowhere, English.  
GT: But honesty is the best policy!  
TT: Touche.  
  
  
---  
> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/788354/chapters/1487893#skip3)  
---


	4. ==>

GT: So in short they both lead dangerous but endearing lives.  
TT: Yes.  
GT: What are their names?  
TT: Huh?  
GT: Names dirk! They are in dire need of names!  
TT: Jake, I am in full agreement that names are all kinds of important.  
TT: Look, I just addressed you by name. I'm like, all about names.  
TT: I divvy out names like Jane’s government divvies out taxes to poor people.  
TT: I just don't get why you'd wanna give names to lifeforms that don't exist and never will.  
TT: Seems kind of cruel if you ask me.  
GT: Well *DIRK* thats exactly it theyre not real so why would it be cruel to them???  
TT: ‘Kay.  
TT: How about...  
TT: Poopblaster Ragglesnort and Snagrash Pimplebottom.  
GT: DIRK!!!! That is not how you name a child!  
GT: I suspect they would be harassed on a daily basis with monikers like those. :(  
GT: And besides the other parents would gossip about how shitty we are behind our backs.  
TT: Oh shucks, my bad.  
TT: You got any suggestions for our purely fictional bundles of joy?  
GT: Oh... ummm well...  
GT: Wait a goshfucking minute whose last name are we going with?  
TT: Well, on the Top 100 List of Gnarly Last Names, I’m fairly certain that English and Strider are way the fuck up there.  
TT: I wouldn’t mind being Dirk English.  
GT: Okay then we will be jake and dirk english. And our progenies will be... *drumroll*...  
GT: Dean and jazz english!  
TT: ...  
GT: What those are great names and they are also *INDUBITABLY* BETTER THAN POOPFACE MCGEE or whatever you said before.  
TT: No, I like them. It’s just that,  
TT: You WOULD name a kid Jazz.  
TT: We would have a beautiful and deadly baby girl named Jazz English.  
GT: And dont forget an adorkable baby bro named dean english!  
TT: Haha yeah.  
GT: Oh man i think it would be wonderful to have a family like that someday *wistful sigh*.  
TT: Yeah.  
GT: Gosh i wish they were real.  
GT: I bet theyd be so cute in the flesh.  
TT: Behold, our pride and joy: <http://goo.gl/anliO>  
GT: OH WOW dirk youre a master of the illustrative arts as well?? A true renaissance man if there ever was one thats for sure.  
GT: Im feeling a little choked up right now honestly hehe.  
GT: But ummmm. Hmm.  
GT: You drew that pretty fast... like you already had it ready or something...  
TT: I can chat with you on my shades and draw on my computer at the same time you know.  
GT: Oh yeah thats right... Heheh oops. I keep forgetting you have such whizbang tech.  
  
  
---  
> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/788354/chapters/1487897#skip4)  
---


	5. ==>

GT: Uh so dirk i must know.  
GT: How well do dean and jazz get along with each other??  
TT: Well enough, in typical sibling fashion, I guess.  
GT: Well ive never had a bro like you so i dont really know what that means aside from what the world of cinema has taught me?  
TT: It’s exactly what the world of cinema has taught you.  
TT: They bicker and do stupid things, but in the end they realize that it’s all stupid and the bickering brings them together again, making their bond stronger than ever before.  
TT: Until the next time they bicker and do stupid things.  
GT: Oh yes i think im aware of that trope.  
TT: Yeah probably.  
TT: Dean is hyper-competitive and wants to be the best at practically everything.  
TT: His work ethic is admirable but being the best at everything is a pretty lofty goal, you know?  
GT: Let me guess jazz is naturally gifted at most things and this ruffles deans feathers like none other am i right?  
TT: Essentially. She skips class pretty much constantly and still gets better grades than him, and he’s never missed a day, even when sick.  
GT: Darn that must be rough on the little guy.  
TT: He’ll be damned if he doesn’t get the Perfect Attendance Award.  
TT: He’s a real sore loser. I don’t even like to strife him for fun.  
TT: But Jazz always encourages him, says that she believes in him and stuff.  
GT: Aww attagirl. Jazz sounds like a splendid sister!  
TT: Oh she has plenty of faults too.  
TT: For one, she’s the biggest hypocrite.  
TT: Jazz always makes a big stink when you bring back a kill but apparently being vegan doesn’t stop her from eating any of it.  
GT: Heh.  
TT: Another time she attended a demonstration for animal cruelty while wearing leather gloves.  
GT: Uh oh even i know thats bad news.  
GT: How did that resolve?  
TT: Well, Dean called her out on it later but she went into denial mode real bad. Then they strife’d, of course.  
TT: SPOILER ALERT: She won.  
GT: Well you know what the say... every dean has his day!  
GT: Hahahahahah.  
TT: You tell him that every time and it just makes him angry. And when he gets angry, he trips over things more.  
GT: Aw crap.  
TT: On the plus side they’re super protective of each other.  
TT: Jazz will kick anyone’s ass if they mess with Dean. Hell, I’m fucking proud when she gets suspended.  
TT: Dean prefers a more passive approach of subtle verbal annihilation.  
GT: GOOD!! Saves me the work of hunting down those inconsiderate lunkheads myself!  
TT: “Jake, how many times do I gotta tell you to _put the goddamn pistols down.”_  
GT: “Why every time i must go out and DEFEND MY CHILDRENS HONOR.”  
TT: Man, you are such a weirdo.  
GT: Says the guy who is more of a weirdo than this here weirdo!  
GT: Oh wait i get it thats the basis of our purely hypothetical matrimony isnt it! Your fondness for the aberrant and queer for “””IRONIC PURPOSES””” or somesuch.  
TT: Yes, but that’s just a part of it.  
TT: The foundation of our relationship is a mixture of many things, including but not limited to: weird shit, broship, love, scrums, mutual respect, and inexplicable sexual attraction.  
TT: You ain’t quittin’ me so easily, English.  
GT: Wouldnt dream of it pal!  
TT: Well, since I got the “fantasizing about our perfectly dumb life together” part of my daily routine squared away so early, maybe I can actually get some sleep tonight.  
TT: I’m gonna log off now.  
GT: Okay talk to you later my dear!  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  
  
---  
> [==>](http://archiveofourown.org/works/788354/chapters/1487906#skip5)  
---


	6. ==>

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 10:03  
  
GT: Good morning sunshine!  
GT: Hows my wife doing today?  
GT: (Hah its still a laugh and a half to call you that strider!)  
GT: Heheheh...  
GT: Dirk?  
GT: Hey dirk you there?  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  
GT: Huh whats the matter???  
GT: Was it something i said????  
GT: ??????  
GT: DIRK???????  
GT: ...  
GT: .......  
GT: .............  
GT: Poop.  
  
  
---


End file.
